Friar's Humor

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenboig, and I desire a room for de night."

The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked."

Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.

"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take his room."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."

"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."

In o bvious disblief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"

"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."

The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and father?"

"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.

Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"

"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.

"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.

"'Cause a schmuck like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!"

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a
    special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit
    of the AARP.
    One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite
   Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

    (Sing It!) - If you sing it, it is special!!!

    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of
    magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and
    heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite
     things.

    Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones
   and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short
    shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, When the hips break,    When the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.

    (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
    four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit
    and humor with others who would appreciate it.)

WHY AM I MARRIED?
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

CATHOLIC SCHOOL

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.   In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.   He didn't even kiss his mother hello.   Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.   Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.   He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.   She could no longer hold her curiosity.   She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?   WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

_
Wife from hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir
The driver says,
Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60
Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife And
growls Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?
The wife smiles demurely and says,
You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector
unit, The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
Dam it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?
The officer frowns and says,
And I notice that you're not wearing your Seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.The driver says,Yeah, well,
You see officer,I had it on,
But took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket. The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to
his wife and barks, WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?
Only when he's been drinking.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He
awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic
Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he
was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank,"
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen we r e
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... The one that's red and has
thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?"

The Wisdom of the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Jack stole the rabbi's gold watch and afterwards began to feel guilty about what he did. After a sleepless night, he went to see the rabbi
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch," Jack admitted sheepishly.
"But Jack, that's forbidden," replied the Rabbi. "You should return it immediately!"
"What shall I do?"
"Give it back to the owner," answered the Rabbi.
"Do you want it," asked Jack slyly.
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it," said Jack.
"In that case Jack," pronounced the Rabbi, "you can keep it."

A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
"What's wrong?" Asked the Rabbi
Irving replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Irving pleads, "I'm telling you Rabbi, I'm certain she's poisoning me! What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, "Well, I have spoken to your wife - I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Irving anxiously responds, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

An elderly gentleman.
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

   An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?"

   Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
     "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful."

No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to
go to the dentist "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't
want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman
said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him
your tooth, dear."

Ponderings.........

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats
instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking
is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a
driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have
parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a
mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work
in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why
are there locks on the doors?

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated
such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm and < BR>that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
and reliable Parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;

teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch;

and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when
schools were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student
became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses;
and criminals recei ved better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize that a
steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:

L Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.·

The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.·

If you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

· The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

· The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.·

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.·

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Blessed are those who give without remembering....and receive without forgetting.

They walk among us.
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up  $46.64
charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I  gave it
back  to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY  favor and
gave  her the money back. She became indignant and informed me  she was
educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money  again. I
gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed  the
store  with the $46.64.
This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and  Parmer
Lane .
  ...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work  Retail.
  I walked into a Mickey D's with a  buy-one-get-one-free coupon for
a sandwich.. I handed it to the girl and  she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one  free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess  they're both free"
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the  door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one  of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at  the
sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk  Among Us!
    While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate  agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't  want
the  sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise  in
the  north?"  When my brother explained that the sun rises in  the east,
and  has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I  don't keep up
with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!
  I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.  One
day I  got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call  center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours  a
day,  7 days a week."  He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific  time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

..........They Walk Among Us!

  My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut  through
a  seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the  trunk.

  ..............They Walk Among Us!
  My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the  cases
were  discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20%  discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I  couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to  the  lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never  showed  up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained  professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked
me,  has your  plane arrived yet?"

..........They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a  small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if  he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for  some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't  think
I'm  hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among  Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST  OF

ALL..................................they VOTE!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs a washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
II lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye -- they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I' ll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my check book.
I can't find the remote.
I can't find my glasses.
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm totally exhausted.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PE OPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE? " "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
PSYCHOLOGY:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychologycourses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
BEAUTIFUL:
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

Angels Explained by Children>
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I
forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to
go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up
to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong
before you got dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and
counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If
you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your
window and leaves money under your pillow. Then
when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son,
who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses
and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a
big head start on helping me while she was still
down here on earth. Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the
animals get better, they help the child get over it. Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone
is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7

Children's Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even farther
back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now
seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem
       While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
      the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you
         can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man
        thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
         home.         The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
       wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
        would spend only $150?"
        The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
        three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," She replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out .

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

        Truck for sale !!!
        A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."       "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
                "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."   So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.        "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
        "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."   So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
        "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"